This post was inspired by a critic of the blog who said there were no consequences to the posts I wrote. Then with free association I knew she meant humour.

I’m new to blogging but I’m not new to business and music. Writing a blog was inspired by 2 friends who did and it seems another person in my entourage made a successful blog on challenging topics such as sexuality, racism, post-traumatic stress, superficiality and destruction of heritage.

As far as I’m concerned, I have high expectations for that blog and I want it to be the catalyst for space exploration. Today we can travel at 10% of the speed of light and astronomers are still working.

Sometimes, if I mix my French and English culture, space exploration could also be interpreted as exploration of weird things or people. Today, I will try to show my humour skills by methodically giving an example in all categories: anecdotes, fantasy, insults, irony, jokes, observational, quote, role play, self-deprecation, vulgarity, wordplay and other.

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We were serious about life and respect but we can imagine a post strictly humorous. The following paragraph is an anecdote of my life and the wonderful people that surrounded me.

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Will You Have A Nosebleed Being Naked?

I collaborated once with secret service on the dodgy subject of are there or are there not foreign spies around me. Of course, you can’t believe everything you see and hear, can you? That’s why I will tell you a short story about espionage and counterespionage.

I worked 5 years in the banking industry and I will always wonder if it was the reason why I met so many secret agents. They got the cure we’re dreaming of: the fundamental of espionage is counterespionage.

Suddenly, in the middle of a Value At Risk report and a Stress Test (I was working with Middle Office at the time), I met a lot of people coming from everywhere around the world. They had a wonderful body and you could tell they weren’t intolerant to exercise since 4 months later, when I shared a song, there was a genocide.

Iranians, Syrians, Afghans, Indians (sikh bodyguard), Brasilians (capoeiristas hitmen), French and Lebanese, Americans and Israelis all met that day to discuss my future. I spent 3 weeks in the sun in a superb hotel in the 7th district of Paris. But suddenly I ended up in a clinic facility with a severe neuroleptic.

I’m still waiting for the 25 million dollars they owe me. But let’s talk about the strangest dream I have everyday even though I’m not sleeping.

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How To Find A New Fantasy.

This blog is based on music (jazz, blues, soul, rock, funk and electronic). On rare occasions, I listen to a music or a sound and it can make me special. The Earth is a big planet since we’re 7 billion souls down here and I bet our ancestors knew it. A sound could make them embrace the sky but a memory from the Big Bang (13.8 billion years ago) kept them so far apart from God.

Now it’s time to let go of that memory that made us frozen and made our hearts not open. Now it’s time to let go of Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Justin Bieber. We need to make space travels a priority and the first objective will be colonising the nearest exoplanet called Proxima Centauri B!

Proxima Centauri b (also called Proxima b or Alpha Centauri Cb) is an exoplanet orbiting in the habitable zone of the red dwarf star Proxima Centauri, which is the closest star to the Sun and part of a triple star system. It is located about 4.2 light-years (1.3 parsecs, 40 trillion km, or 25 trillion miles) from Earth in the constellation of Centaurus, making it the closest known exoplanet to the Solar System.

This is a big fantasy I have to travel in space. In the meantime, let’s see if we can find an insult that people could relate.

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Only One Way To Remain A Star.

I must confess I had a 2 year and half stint with a wonderful girl that I liked a lot when I was 22 years old. Now I’m kind of hating her but they say there’s a thin line between love and hate. But U2 won the debate by evoking the price of love which is not cheap. It’s about romance and intensity!

Anyway, I was working with a psychologist to understand what went wrong between my girlfriend and I. In order to make it fun, I decided to become a standup comedian for that occasion and started to write on this experience.

My girlfriend used to tell me she needed me to put her on a pedestal. I didn’t say anything at the time because I was busy graduating from college but I think I finally got it right by writing for a comedian show.

“I’m going to put you on a podium (pause) in the red light district of Amsterdam! But you’re right: you’re so frigid that you deserve a statue!”

I felt that it was quite insulting for her and laughed the whole day alone in my bathtub. Now let’s see if I can talk about irony.

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Should You Forget About Ironing During War?

One thing that struck me in my long and happy life of 38 years was how my friends pointed out that I didn’t know how to iron a shirt. While the civil war was raging, it was important to have a clean shirt. And some will say it was cocaine, some will say it was gin that ended my life.

There was a bonus track during that period: I was spending my time playing computer games instead of making girls dream. Of course I said I can’t complain since it was a detail and context was forgotten. We were at war with 90% of humanity. This is one of the privilege of Europe.

They say irony is thinking something and saying the contrary. In that case, it became a bit wider and it could look like a sarcasm. Anyway, I forgot about all the lessons about style. The subject isn’t cool but now I have a clue: one man’s loss is another man’s gain. By the way, I do think the message of Jesus was ironic.

Please make sure not to donate to that blog with this awesome post. Let’s tackle the classic subject of jokes (not a private one like this blog).

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Two Jokes That Are Surprisingly Funny.

When I have to write about jokes, there are 2 that come to my mind: communism and arabs and jews. These are the only joke that I remember from my childhood:

  1. A child asks his parents if he is a jew or a muslim. His mother is jewish and his father is muslim. The mother says: “you’re jewish, you know it’s transmitted by the mother”. One day passes: “mum, dad, what am I?” The father says: “you’re muslim, you know it’s transmitted by the father”. The day after, the child is about to explode in a rage: “what the fuck am I? muslim or jewish?” “Why do you ask exactly?” And the child answers: “there’s a bicycle downstairs and I’m wondering if I steal it or haggle over the price.”
  2. Joke number 2 is cute: you should ask someone to tell you to do simple mathematics operation super fast and then you should choose a tool and a colour. For example, try this with someone super fast: “2+2=?” “4+9=?” “13-3=?” “10/2=?” “5-3=?” The answer is at the end of the post so make sure to try this little exercise with someone and find the answer in the conclusion.

Being funny is a wonderful talent and it might not be that easy. The next paragraph is about an observation I made during my life.

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What Can Be God’s Great Banana Skin?

Don’t you laugh at nobody, you will let the bad luck in. I hope my muslim, jew and communist friends won’t take the paragraph above personally. You could also make fun of me although I might answer.

One thing I recall as I look back on my life: if you insult nobody, nobody will insult you. I worked with Tunisians, Moroccans, Jewish, French, Chinese, Italians, Afghans and we were able to live together even though we fought from time to time.

Don’t insult nobody and nobody will insult you. I know sometimes it can be hard. For example, last year, I was driving a car and I suddenly changed direction. A motorcycle managed to catch me and I stopped the car. He started to insult me; he even said I wasn’t cute. I dismissed the case as a classic yearly incident.

“I never forget a face but in your case I’ll make an exception.” After that observation, let’s head to the next category called quotes.

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How To Solve The Most Debilitating Conflict.

Oscar Wilde was an Irish poet and playwright. After writing in different forms throughout the 1880s, he became one of London’s most popular playwrights in the early 1890s. He is best remembered for his epigrams and plays, his novel The Picture of Dorian Gray, and the circumstances of his criminal conviction for homosexuality, imprisonment, and early death at age 46.

Wilde is rumoured to have said the following: “I don’t want to go heaven. None of my friends are there.” That’s rather funny and I must say you could solve a conflict easily this way. Some angels and demons are tired of the eternal conflict and need a new one.

If your friends end up in heaven, would you follow them here? Would they still be your friends if heaven was about sobriety? As Balzac said, “the bottle does not matter as much as the drunkenness.” Oh, let the sun beat down upon my face: I’m a traveler of both time and space to be where I have been.

The solution to all conflicts then is to keep people separated. I’m not really comfortable in this diplomatic role.

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How Does It Feel To Be A Secret Agent?

Now we’re tackling the subject of role play. There’s a song that I might have misheard the  lyrics that says: “you can be my lady if you play your part right”. A famous French politician said that diplomacy was to give others a role. Today my role is to make you laugh (or maybe cry I don’t know).

After my secret agent stint, I tried to live a normal life again. And I decided to attend another engineering school which was the best French school in signal processing (remember I’m passionate about music and sounds). But I met a police officer there who started an investigation about me.

Suddenly I decided I never was a secret agent. Because people would start an investigation about me on a regular basis. I decided I would stick to the role of musician even though I could have problems with drugs and sex. My mediterranean heart is working hard at the moment to keep his composure.

Diplomacy is about finding a role to someone. Let’s talk then about self-deprecation which makes people unemployed.

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Why Would Someone Find This Funny?

We live in a society where people spend their time pissing on the grave of others. If they are still alive, they might invite you to dinner and make fun of you in front of a lot of people. So why is self-deprecation so funny? That’s because you’re taking the job of thousands of good souls.

The more I think about it, the more I relied on that literary device when I was young. I guess a lot of us did since we all had to be 14 years old and down on our knees. It’s true I don’t enjoy ironing a shirt and I like to spend time playing computer games. That’s because I have priorities in life like finding good songs and wondering how we can go to space.

I’ll be glad when a puppet show includes me in their programs. This would mean I’m an important person. Maybe I’m considered the master of puppets but they know my goals in life are bigger than that: I’m not talking about billions but trillions.

Playing on a computer is not the same than playing in real life. But that’s not why I forget my name sometimes.

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Three Ways To Forget Your Name.

One day I wanted to change my name: it was after a severe and cruel allusion and perversion. Let’s summon the creativity of a class to find examples of vulgarity. I’m sorry for my readers but since I grew up in France, this will be understandable only by French people. Maybe it’s not that serious and I will do my best to give an idea of what it means.

  • Niquela Susfroq: that is how I remember my education until 1994. My real name is Nicolas Sursock and I’m a Lebanese aristocrat. This means I know a little on the subject of dignity. But let’s focus on that last name which means: I’m afraid all the time of everything and everybody,
  • Nicolas Surceux: this is strictly understandable by French people but if you would like to translate, this could mean one thing: I’m kind of embarrassed because I get your point and I’m a busy person. Nothing will change then and the world will continue to witness horror stories,
  • Nicolas Sursaut: this one was uttered by a teacher in front of the class in 1997. At first, I didn’t react but the more I think about it, the more I think that shadow could be interesting since it means: a sudden fit of. In a fit of anger, I write a post and I write again.

Vulgarity can also be a method since not everything I wrote was vulgar except the first point. Lately, I wrote an interesting song about freedom and I played with the words.

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Is Freedom Strictly A Human Concept?

I remember that scene from the movie Braveheart with Mel Gibson: he was tortured and couldn’t say a word. Suddenly, he erupted with one word: FREEDOM. I wrote a song glorifying that concept and I was also inspired by the song “Freedom ’90” by George Michael.

I was thinking I was a star in front of 200,000 people while I was toying with my guitar in my room when it struck me: in French, freedom could be mistaken with “fruit d’homme” meaning freedom would be strictly a human concept.

That’s because I work a lot with allusions. I don’t know if I’m right or wrong but this could make sense. Freedom is interesting and Rage Against The Machine shouts: “what? the land of the free? whoever told you that is your enemy.”

Now you know what I’m doing: I found a new toy and I’m playing on words. The last section of that post will be about the funny universes that remain unexplored.

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Can You Help Me Write Another Post?

There’s a caricature from my student years that I will always remember. If you request it, I could send it to you because it’s a parody of a Microsoft Windows’ wizard that will help you create “another pathetic R&B hit”.

The most funny sections of that assistant are the following:

  1. you must specify what you want in the music like:
    • number of “Yeah Uhu”, “Moddafokka” and “Horny” per minute,
    • main subject of the song and you have 5 choices: “Bitches”, “Gangstas”, “Gangstas & Bitches”, “Mother”, “None”,
    • steal melody from: “Queen”, “Led Zeppelin”, “Red Hot Chili Peppers” or “Knight Rider Theme”,
    • age of intended audience (which is restricted to 8 and 14 years old).
  2. you must specify the parameters of the music video like:
    • number of horny girls (they propose 45),
    • average kilograms of gold around the neck (they propose 16),
    • total number of background brotha’s (they propose 22),
    • do the girls have to shake their asses? (you have 2 choices: “yes” and “yes”),
    • performing “artist” must have committed at least one murder (checkbox).

The last parameter you have to choose is the desired profit: they propose 1600 million dollars. I have thought a lot about a secret recipe to make awesome posts and I must say I could come up with a caricature like that one day.

Now we have an idea of 12 ways to make people laugh. Maybe we’re still missing something about humour since sometimes people hesitate between laughing and crying. I remember one of my ex-girlfriend crying after missing a step in some stairs.

By the way, the answer to the question in paragraph 5 is: the tool is a hammer and the colour is red. 80% of the time, after harassing someone with those kind of questions, the person will mention that tool and that colour.

If your friends end up in heaven, would you follow them here? Would they still be your friends if heaven was about sobriety? As Balzac said, “the bottle does not matter as much as the drunkenness.” Oh, let the sun beat down upon my face: I’m a traveler of both time and space to be where I have been.

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